Guest blogged by Brandon
In Ironside, (which is a remake of a 35 year old show) Blair Underwood plays a New York City detective (and hockey coach?) who plays by his own rules and is extremely handsome all the while. This drama sounds like it has enough to stand on on its own. In fact, this show could be the competitive answer to CBS’s hunk*-led crime drama NCIS. But then NBC had to add their own little Eau-du-toilettle (emphasis on the toilet) to this show and put their leading man in a wheelchair.
Now, I’m not down on the physically impaired at all. Many members of my family have serious physical disabilities. Besides, being a detective is all about the smarts, not the physical ability. However, it seems as though the writers and director want you to think that Ironside is a good detective because he is in a wheelchair.
INT. APARTMENT. DAY.
Cops are EVERYWHERE investigating a crime scene
Officer: Detective, how did you find that (clue)?
Ironside: I see things from a different angle.
The clue was a gun. IT WAS UNDER A PILLOW ON A COUCH. If Ironside wasn’t there, not one of the 12 cops there would have looked under that pillow EVER. Thank god for your impairment, Ironside. Top notch writing, writers.
Also, writers, could you explain to me how Ironsides, an NYPD detective, gets around New York City? THE LEAST HANDICAP FRIENDLY CITY IN THE WORLD? We see him in a rock climbing gym mezzanine. How did he get there? We see him at the crime scene on top of a Financial District hi-rise. How THE FUCK did he get there?
OK, Ok, ok. I’ll calm down. Surely the fact that he made it up to the top of a Financial District hi-rise is to show that he is not going to let being paralyzed hold him back and also that he will not use it as an excuse.
It’s tragic after all. A man in his prime shot by the friendly fire of his partner while they were chasing a suspect the two had been investigating for a year. It would drive a man crazy. But not the man you think. Apparently Ironside is fine with it. It’s his partner that shot him, played by Brent Sexton aka Big Scary Louis CK, who is still dealing with it. In fact, he is still so racked with guilt, he hasn’t been to work in TWO YEARS.
(WHO WORE IT BEST???)
Meanwhile, in that time, good ole Ironside has recovered, sued the city for a settlement and his position as detective (somehow), and started solving crimes. Talk about handi-capable.
Big Scary Louis CK can’t even get through coffee without crying. In fact, you might say BSLCK is an EMOTIONAL CRIPPLE. You might say that, but Ironside ACTUALLY DOES. OH MAN A CRIPPLE CALLING SOMEONE ELSE A CRIPPLE THIS IS THE HEIGHT OF WHEELCHAIRSPLOITATION!
I mean, sometimes you gotta show your guilt ridden friend some tough love by being an asshole to him. You know, just like you ALWAYS ARE, Ironside. Let’s be frank: Ironside is a huge asshole. He treats witnesses and suspects with unprovoked disrespect. He walks all over his boss (who is a MAJOR wimp), played by Kenneth Choi. And, as assholes are, assholes do- which is anything they want. He and his team pretty much do whatever they want because they think they are in the right.
- If you are an NYPD detective, did you know you can sit in the backseat of a parked car with a suspect and beat him until he confesses if you have one of your underlings shout Miranda rights at the suspect through the windshield of said parked car? Well, you can’t really. But because Ironside “knew” this guy was guilty, it’s all good.
- OR If you have to enter a suspect’s home, did you know you can shout, “I think someone in there needs help!” and break down the door? Well, you can’t really. But if your boss Ironside tells you to get answers, you get answers. Oh and there was a dead body in the apartment, so it’s all good.
-OR OR If you solve a crime, you can keep it a secret just so you can implicate OTHER people in OTHER crimes? Well, you can’t really. But Ironside did, and he was right. So it’s all good.
-OR OR OR You can shoot a hostage in the leg BECAUSE YOU DON’T LIKE HIM? You can’t really, but you can be like Ironside and make your underling do it IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE POLICE DEPARTMENT. But it made for good TV, so it’s all good.
Man, these underlings have to do a lot of shitty things. Too bad I don’t feel bad for them. Because they’re assholes too.
- Asshole 1- Teddy (asshole name): Played by Neal Bledsoe, he is a trust fund baby who feels guilty about his wealth so he becomes a cop. BUT HE KEEPS HIS TRUST FUND. If you feel guilty for having something, then don’t have it! PLANNED PARENTHOOD YOUR TRUST FUND, YO.
- Asshole 2- Holly: Played by Spencer Grammer (asshole name), she is a tough as nails beauty-cop with family ties to the crime underworld. Yeah, her family members LOOOOOVE hookers, and she is treading that fine line between being a cop and supporting a sex trade. Nice.
- Asshole 3- Virgil: Played by Pablo Schreiber, he is a mildly sociopathic (even more mildly funny) family man who does stupid things a lot. Sounds like my boss, (asshole name).
Ok, so Blair Underwood and his team are a bunch of assholes. At least they all look good, right? Yeah, they all are attractive, and I am sure there will be love story lines a-plenty. But, wait a minute. If Ironside is paralyzed from the waist down, how will there be a believable love story? How will women remain interested in this Adonis in a wheelchair if he can’t make love? DON’T WORRY LADIES! IT STILL WORKS! **AIR HORN** **AIR HORN** **AIR HORN** **HARPS PLAYING** **A DUCK SHITS IN A POND*** Yes, his penis still works. A fact which they show you in the episode twice. Good god, this guy barely had his life changed at all after his life changing experience. Oh, except that he goes all Kevin Bacon-in-Footloose while working out, every now and again.
Ok, in conclusion, this show has problems. This was a pilot, I know. And assholes, er characters, aren’t developed yet. But stop reinforcing stereotypes that the NYPD do whatever the hell they want. Stop making cookie cutter crime dramas but adding a little flair **imagines button on TGI Friday’s apron that says “Wheel-FLAIR Accessible”** But most of all stop hiding HOW THE FUCK HE GOT ON THAT ROOF!
*In a survey of my mom, 100% of women polled believe Mark Harmon to be a hunk.